When Christmas Doesn't Feel Like Christmas: The reality of Splitting Holidays with a Narcissist

There are some things you can prepare for as a parent...

but not having your kids on Christmas?

Nothing prepares you for that.

You can know it's coming.

You can talk yourself through it.

You can try to make plans, stay busy, stay positive.

But when the day actually arrives, the silence in your home hits differently.

And when you're splitting holidays with a narcissist, the pain runs even deeper because it's not just about scheduling or sharing time. It's about the manipulation, the control, and the emotional games they play with days that should be sacred.

Christmas Without Your Kids Feels Wrong Because It Is

Let's be honest:

Christmas is supposed to feel magical.

Warm.

Loud.

Chaotic in the best possible way.

It's supposed to be wrapping paper everywhere, kids yelling "COME SEE WHAT I GOT!' hot chocolate spills, laughter, games, and that little moment where you sit back and think:

This is what it's all for.

But when you're alone?

When your kids are at someone else's house

especially a narcissist's house?

Not sadness.

Not anger.

Just....emptiness.

A quiet house that feels too big.

A tree that feels a little dimmer.

A phone you check every few minutes hoping for pictures, updates, anything.

Narcissists Don't Co-Parent They Compete

When it comes to holidays, a narcissist doesn't think

"How can we make this special for the kids?

They think:

How can I win?

How can I control the narrative?

How can I make myself the her0?

They'll guilt- trip the kids.

twist the story

brag to everyone about what an amazing parent they are

pretend like the pain they caused never happened.

and have no thought behind the gifts they get the kids.

And the hardest part?

Your kids deserve better but you can't shield them from everything.

Not on Christmas.

Not on any holiday you're forced to split.

It's Not Just Missing the Day It's Missing the Moments

The part people don't talk about is this the little grief's

Not seeing their faces when they open the presents you picked out.

Not hearing their footsteps run down the stairs Christmas morning.

Not having your traditions, your routines, your memories.

Not being able to protect them from tension or manipulation they might experience.

It's a thousand tiny heartbreaks wrapped into one day.

But Here's the Part That Gets Me Through It

Even when I don't have them physically....I still have them.

My bond with my kids doesn't change because a calendar says they're someone else.

And when they come home, we will have our Christmas.

The home I'm building the love, the stability, the safety, the memories that's something a narcissist cannot replicate, no matter how many gifts or fake smiles they throw around.

Kids may be small, but they are smart.

They know who shows up for them.

Who listens.

Who works hard.

Who gives them a home that feels like peace.

Christmas with a narcissist is a performance.

Christmas with me is a safe place.

And they feel that even if the schedule doesn't always show.

When Your Christmas Isn't on December 25th

One thing I've learned is this

You're allowed to have Christmas on any day you choose.

If your kids can't be with you on the 25th, that does NOT mean you "missed Christams."

You didn't lose the holiday.

You didn't fail as a parent.

Your Christmas can be on

the 24th

the 26th

the 30th

two weeks later

or whenever you're all together.

Christmas is not a date.

It's a feeling.

It's the moment you're all under the same roof again.

It's the laughter, the mess, the memories you make not the ones the court papers dictate.

You Are Allowed to Feel the Hurt

If you're a parent going through this too, hear me when I say

You're not dramatic.

You're not overacting.

You're not "used to it" just because it happens every year.

Missing your kids on Christmas hurts because you love them.

And that love is something no narcissist can take from you.

Someday, your kids will be grown, and they'll look back on their childhood and they'll remember who gave them comfort. Who gave them joy. Who made holidays feel like home.

They won't remember who "won the court ordered holiday schedule.

They'll remember who held their hearts.

And that parent?

That's you